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5 ways to survive the coming “Clown Apocalypse”

Picture of Greg Stier
Greg Stier

5 ways to survive the coming "clown apocalypse"Everyone’s buzzing about the reports of evil clowns roaming the streets, cities and countryside. My son has been keeping me up-to-date on the latest clown sightings. Some are hiding in the woods, wielding machetes and generally creating all sorts of evil clown mayhem.

I’ve always believed that clowns were up to no good. They are mimes gone wrong. Something is broken inside of them. And now everyone else is realizing how right I was. For years I have warned people and, just now, they’re starting to believe me.

But it may be too late.

 So how can we survive the inevitable clown apocalypse? There are 5 emergency action steps you can take right away:

1.  Avoid walking at night, especially around circuses, down alleys and through forests. 

Everyone knows to avoid the streets around an active circus site. It only takes one rogue clown and soon an army of them will be pouring out of a tiny car to clober you with a giant, fake sledgehammer that makes a squeaking noise when it hits you in the head. 

Also avoid forests and dark alleys. Lately they’ve been lurking there too.

2.  If you see a clown, avoid eye contact and run the other way.

Clowns are energized by eye contact. It gets them all worked up. Also, many believe that they’ve been learning hypnotic powers from other circus freaks. With eye contact they may be able to draw you in like a laser beam to a certain clowny demise. 

3.  If one approaches you squeeze his red nose, stamp on his giant foot and run.

They hate that. 

Also, carry a can of make up remover with you. It’s like mace for clowns.

4.  If you are captured by one try to distract them and escape.

How do you distract a clown? Try juggling.

Juggling lulls them into a sleepy state. If you can’t juggle, sing. Soon theyll be singing along and you can make your escape as they do. If you can’t sing, then pucker up because you are gonna kiss this life goodbye.

5.  Share the Gospel with a clown.

If they trust in Christ, their make up will magically disappear, their shoes will shrink to a normal size and they will turn human again. If they don’t, you’ll die a martyr.

I hope these 5 emergency action steps help you to navigate the coming clown apocalypse.

By the way, if you’re one of my more literal Christian friends this entire blog is a joke…because you can never escape from a clown…ha ha ha ha ha!

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