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Heresy Unlimited Inc.

Picture of Greg Stier
Greg Stier

I want to open a chain of stores called Heresy Unlimited. I know that I would have a great consumer base, especially with the “Christian” consumer. We could have all sorts of different departments that could provide various spiritual clothing styles that could counter the bland orthodox styles that have made the church look so uncool for the last two thousand years.

The modern day Gnostics could have their own substore within Heresy Unlimited called “Gnostic Toxic” for the younger twenty something hip crowd. (Quick Heresy Update: Gnosticism was a belief system that evolved in the 1st Century and exploded in the 2nd where deeper knowledge of God was sought through various rituals, secret codes, asceticism, etc. I personally believe that there is a new kind of Gnosticism that is beginning to seep into the church with a whole new stream of Christ claimers who rant against traditional theology, and call Christians to a “deeper” knowledge of God through weird old practices ripped, not the pages of Scripture, but from human tradition. But that’s just me.)

Gnostic wear is only available for those Christian consumers too cool for school, the old school of sound doctrine that is. Most of the fashion line developed by these gurus is a rebellion against the spiritual clothing industry. They develop leg coats instead of the traditional torso based coat line. Why? Because they don’t want to be like the stuck-in-the-mud clothing industry that was been producing coats for your upper body for 2,000 years. In addition they are coming out with a hats-for-your-feet line and much more.

These fabricators of thready lies applaud each other as they blog their way down the runway in their ridiculous new outfits. They applaud so loudly that many young consumers are coming in and buying their line…just because they hear the thunderous self-congratulatory clapping of the new fashion experts coming from the store as they stroll down the bland mall of traditional truth. Even though most of the clothes begin to unravel before the young buyer leaves the store it’s okay, because their will be a new line of Gnostic wear in every single day. Even if your latest fashion shreds in a week, you’ll be back. By that time there’s a new style to buy anyway. And if you dare be gnostic caustic you aren’t welcome in the store at all.

But Gnostic wear is only part of Heresy Unlimited. You can go to the Name-it-claim-it TV preacher section where you can purchase $3,000 suits, TV preacher bling, hairspray and a money clip. On the third floor of HU there is a special section for those who don’t believe in the Trinity. There is actually only one outfit there but it presents itself in three ways.

They have no escalators in Heresy Unlimited because you have to climb your way to the top through your own human effort. You work your way from floor to floor instead of letting something else (grace) take you to the top.

There is so much more at Heresy Unlimited that I want to tell you about. As a matter of fact we have a catalog you can use and peruse to buy the latest online. But be warned the catolog is not inerrant. But, when you think about it, does it really matter? So what if the prices are off a bit? As long as people get the spirit of the catalog they’ll be fine.

And one more warning, DO NOT BUY THE EARRINGS!!! For some reason they make your ears itch.

Yeah, I’m going to launch Heresy Unlimited in shopping malls across America soon. I’m sure I can get the funding from the see-which-way-the-wind-is-blowing Christian publishing industry. I’ll be a rich man in no time.

On the other hand maybe I shouldn’t. It could be a disadvantage to have the Lord of the mall refuse to renew my lease because my store is so extreme.

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